How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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