Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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