The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
