none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
