I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
