Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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