My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your cock deserves a montage
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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