I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
