Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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