He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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