1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
