The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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