he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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