and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
