My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
