I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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