So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
