So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
