i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
