I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
