i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
