I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
