I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
