it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
