the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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