The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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