life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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