moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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