Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
