It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
