yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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