You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
