I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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