I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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