I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
