I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
