My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
