who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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