I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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