i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
