i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
