My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
