she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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