Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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