The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
