dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I will be naked everywhere
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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