Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
