I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
How's work?
Spinning.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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