Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You need a sexual gate keeper
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
