Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
