Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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